Patton Oswalt

Happy 2019 guys.

On January 27th I'm turning 50. And sometime BEFORE that date I'm shutting down my Facebook page.

I've kind of hit a wall with Facebook. On the one hand it's a wonderful tool to connect with my fans -- especially the ones who are artists and writers and filmmakers and comic creators. I've found a lot of my poster artists here. I've discovered some great indie titles in film and comics.

But the more I read about some of the practices of the company, and after reporting the literally hundredth troll in my Inbox sending me graphic death threats only to be told they don't violate Facebook policy -- sadly, I think I'm done here. And it's a bummer, because I truly dug it for a long time. But things change.

I'm going to be updating and streamlining my website (pattonoswalt.com) and Instagram and, as always, I'll update upcoming projects on Twitter. You'll always know what I'm doing.

It's not you. It's also not me. It's the platform.

For now, I am VERY excited for what's coming in 2019. I've got a lot more dates coming up -- again, always check my website, 'cuz it's updated the minute I get new info. Shows in San Antonio, Dallas, Phoenix, Providence, RI. New York (Beacon Theatre!) plus South Carolina and Jacksonville, FLA. Tuscon, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Columbus, Waukegan, Detroit, San Francisco, Englewood NJ. And Baltimore and Indianapolis. Plus others that will be announced soon!

And that's not even including Europe! Galway and Dublin and Copenhagen and Amsterdam and swinging London.

Plus you'll be able to see me on Season Three THOSE WHO CAN'T (January 14th) Season Seven of VEEP (Spring) Season 6 of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Spring) Season Two of Happy! (Spring, probably near Easter) and Season Two of the fantastic A.P. BIO, which will premiere Thursday, March 7th. Also I'm the lead voice in The Secret Life of Pets 2 (June 7th).

So proshchay, Facebook! Will I return some day? We'll see! Don't know how, don't know when...

My Emmy-nominated Netflix special is now a Grammy-nominated album and it's available to download on iTunes RIGHT NOW! Click below and get yourself a copy. Or buy one for someone who's forgotten what smiling and laughter and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming are all about! Merry Holidays.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/annihilation/1441713143

Hey! My album, ANNIHILATION, drops digitally next Friday, December 21st! You can pre-order it HERE! Or gift it to a friend who's battling the blues! It'll cheer 'em up, I promise!

The pre-sale tickets for my show on Saturday, May 18th at The Fillmore Detroit are available TOMORROW starting at 10am EST. The pre-sale code is COMEDY. Snap 'em up!

I wanna host The Oscars. I don't think I should host The Oscars. At least, not this year, and not for awhile.

My bona fides are solid. I've been doing comedy for 30 years. I've hosted the WGA Awards, VES Awards, ACE Awards, Independent Spirit Awards and, just last month, the Carney Awards, which is a ceremony that celebrates character actors.

That last show was very significant for me because it focused on the deep, near-invisible work that goes into lasting cinema. It thanked the solid professionals who AREN'T showy but instead take quiet satisfaction in inhabiting their characters so deeply that they can transfer who they are with a glance or a wink to an audience. Movies like MIDNIGHT RUN and GLORIA and TENDER MERCIES and HELL OR HIGH WATER are worlds within themselves, where even actors and actresses with one line could suddenly spin off with the narrative and you'd feel comfortable following them.

Again, I'm only talking about the people in front of the camera. BEHIND the camera are editors who direct the film after the director is done shooting it, and set designers and production managers who paint the world of the film using the wordless objects that the characters cherish, covet, conceal and comfort themselves with. The suburban house in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, the trailer home in MELVIN AND HOWARD, the newsroom in ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN and the bedrooms in VALLEY GIRL, RIVER'S EDGE and EIGHTH GRADE tell us more about the characters who inhabit them than the characters realize they're letting on.

And then there's casting -- and WHY isn't there an Academy Award for casting?

But that's a whole other rant.

I care about movies a lot. I'd love to host The Oscars. But I shouldn't host The Oscars. Not this year. Later, I hope.

But right now -- and here's where I'm going to scrape my front bumper against politics for a second, so all of you alt-right swamp-ferrets who hate me yet for some sad, lonely reason all follow me get yer typo-heavy comments ready -- it's not time for a plump, comfy cis white male to host The Oscars. Because for all The Oscars get wrong -- all of the amazing movies and directors and writers and other creatives they've whiffed on honoring over the decades -- what they do best is keep the furnaces stoked. Movies that get passed over, weirdly, end up getting MORE attention and shine on them because of the think-pieces and appreciations and "what if" lists. Danny Peary's ALTERNATE OSCARS book and Scout Tafoya's "Unloved" video series and David Ehrlich's hypnotic Top 25 Video essays -- there's a reflective, reactionary doppelgänger version of The Oscars, and it is ongoing and abiding. And it's fueled, weirdly enough, by The Oscars themselves.

And since now we're in a world where we seem to be drunkenly teetering towards fascism -- all because of Boomer-era dinosaurs roaring their last gasp before the tar claims them -- maybe The Oscars can send out an equally loud, but more joyful roar? Big-budget movies pushed back HARD against the dinosaur tantrum. People of color were superheroes, the awkward and outcast found confidence, LGBTQ characters were allowed to just...be. Were allowed to be fully-rounded people, with flaws and strengths like any other character. And not just in scrappy little indies and "brave" personal visions. Major studio films, lurching toward maturity, in the clumsy way all multi-national corporations do. It was cringe-y to watch, at times, but it's a start.

When I hosted the WGA Awards last year, I pleaded during my opening monologue that NEXT year's WGA Awards needed to be a woman or POC or LGBTQ or all three or ANYTHING but another straight white male. Us straight white males, despite what certain Twitter accounts say, are doing fine. Our power has dropped from 99% control of everything under the sun to 96.4% control of everything under the sun. We're hanging on by our fingernails but with a little gumption and can-do spirit we'll make it.

So I'm flattered by all of the support and Twitter love I've been getting, but seriously, not this year. And maybe not soon. I'd love to do it someday, and I have the stage chops and genuine, un-ashamed film-freak love to pull it off, but I'm going to stay hopeful and optimistic that a day will come when it's right for me to heave myself into a tux and huddle with my troop of writers. I'm still hosting the VES Awards this year. They have nice scotch and yummy sandwiches backstage, and I get to talk to the technicians and behind-the-scenes geniuses I love to talk with.

Having said all that, can I humbly offer MY list of people that I think should host?

1. John Waters -- America's beloved gay uncle and all-around bon vivant has an even deeper core love of films that I do. He's adorable and charming and would be un-ironically excited to be there, and he'd put in a hell of a job. I honestly can't believe this hasn't happened 10 years ago.

2. Tiffany Haddish -- yes, she's already on everybody's list but that's because I mean DUH how perfect would she be? Irreverent and bubbly and smart and funny. Plus, she'd fan-girl out the same way most people watching would. Instant connection.

3. Billy Eichner -- John Waters' Padawan would keep everyone on their toes and would have ZERO problem yelling and whining and screaming the show to under 90 minutes.

4. Kumail Nanjiani -- another instantly lovable comedic machine gun with a deep love of movies. And humble enough to keep the show cooking by using his various, talented friends as presenters and fuel for bits. I bought him dinner at n/naka once so this could be my backdoor to getting invited.

5. Melissa McCarthy -- sheer enthusiasm and zero ego. She MUST have been offered the job a bunch of times, right?

6. Michelle Wolf -- beyond being sharp and hilariously disrespectful the Trump Tweet alone would be worth it.

7. Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobsen -- Just to see how their amazing chemistry would amplify and mutate in front an audience of billions. BROAD CITY is a brilliant comedy fueled by panic and resentment and what two emotions better illustrate The Oscars?

8. Eric Andre -- it might not be the BEST Oscars with him hosting, but it would definitely be the LAST Oscars. And the most memorable.

But seriously, it was an honor just to be considered.